definition: Spirited

May 20, 2010
I am sitting here trying to work, but as I often do - I am getting distracted. Not by things like Facebook or other fun stuff on the internet (tho, yes of course that happens too. What can I say? - When you work on the computer all day long, it's pretty impossible to not go down that road).

 No, this time I am getting distracted by my daughter. Are my kids running around here being loud and crazy? Nope - in fact, they are both gone. Skyler is at preschool. And Alexa is at her daycare. But they are in my head - and right now, the concerns for them are both pretty high. Right now, I don't quite have it in me to write about Alexa, and it's rather emotionally exhausting to think about. But I will write my next entry about her health, to prepare myself for next week - a pretty full one for us, with MRI's and Doctor's appts.

 But the one I am really thinking about today is Skyler - my beautiful, "spirited" 4 year old. Now when I say "spirited", most people think "yeah - all children are spirited". But believe me, there are books written on this temperament. I always think of my book (given to me by my teacher Shaila) that describes it rather perfectly: the child who is "MORE" ("...more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent"). Yup - that is my girl - there might as well be a picture of her in the dictionary under that word. We have always had our challenges with her for all of those above listed reasons. She used to bite herself on the hand when she couldn't get a toy to work at 1.5 years old, and she used to bite me when I tried to help. Granted, there are a ton of positives come with it to. Yes, she can't switch easily switch from one activity to another without getting upset, but on the other hand, she is incredibly focused when she works on something. She is soo sensitive, and can break into tears at the drop of a hat - but on the other hand, she can be just full of excitement and over-the-top laughter.

 So as I sit here working in the kitchen next to my candles from friends, and lilacs that almost made me lose a finger last weekend...I also sit staring at our new chart that we created for Skyler. What's the chart for, you ask?

"I CAN USE MY WORDS"

 You see - recently, Skyler seems to be back tracking to the days when she was little, when her emotion and anger would get the best of her and she could only deal by biting and hurting. She hasn't done it in so long, so this recent phase (ohh, let's hope this is a phase!) is completely throwing me for a loop. In the past few weeks, there have been about 3 episodes where she has pinched or bitten one of her good friends at school. It usually stems from an argument, where neither child is willing to back down.

 This is not the only thing either - last week, there was a note saying that she and her best friend decided to pee outside in the playground! And then there is yesterday, where she had a huge whole cut in her beautiful dress from Grandmama. When asked about both of these latter incidents, she looks down guiltily and says that her best friend "told her to do it". SIGH. And to think of the years that lay ahead of helping her deal with all that goes with childhood, school and friendships.

 On top of it, concurrently - she has started having nightmares. Every night, 2 hours after going to bed - she wakes up in a sweat, screaming. Ugh.

 When it gets to the point of the teachers saying "But it's so unlike her!" and the preschool's administrator calling you, asking the dreaded "Is there is anything unusual going on at home?" - that's when you are at a loss. Granted - yes...there is stuff going on at home... We've gotten some rather upsetting news regarding her sister, Alexa - but I'd like to believe that Sky isn't aware of it all (yet, til we find out the facts). Who knows - I suppose it's possible. The only thing that seems to come out is how her friends say things that hurt her feelings and exclude her lately at school. Which of course breaks my heart. But then I think about it - and I' pretty sure that she does the exact same thing to them. But she just happens to be more sensitive about it when it comes back directed toward her. And honestly - aren't they all learning about that kind of thing at this age, and how to treat others? The point in the end is how she handles it.

 So, what do you do?? Other than pray every time you get to school that there won't be a little yellow note in her binder. 

 We have so far been handling it the way I have "learned" and believe is right. I don't get mad at her (ok - maybe a little for cutting up her cute dress!)... I talk to her about it... I tell her she can be angry but not hurt friends... I tell her she can tell us/teachers anything... And ask how she's feeling about things. (Side note: When probing her for information on how she is feeling about things at home, I got some pretty funny answers, like the following:

Me: "Are you angry or sad at Alexa for anything?"
Her: "Yes...   I don't think it's fair that Alexa has two tu-tu's and I only have one. (sad, dramatic face follows)"

 =) At least there is something about all this that makes me smile.

 So when you do all that other stuff 'right', what ELSE can you do? Well - I made a chart. For good behavior, not bad. She get's a happy sticker on each day that she talks about how she's feeling, instead of hurting others. If she has a bad day, then we take a sticker off. And at the end of 5 straight stickers, she gets to pick out a little something at the toy store. Then we start again, but increase the number of days.

 Bribery? Completely. But so far so good, and she's feeling good about it. In fact, quite stellar in what I have seen at home. (and this is when she has to deal wth a 1 year old who smacks her on the face.) I know these tactics don't last long term, but it's ok for now. She tells me that she still gets mad and wants to hit, but now she is thinking about it first and walking away. 

 It's a start.